Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Now I Smash My Friends

Originally posted 9/26/13

If you're a follower, and still around, oh my goodness, awesome!!! 

I felt like all of you were / are owed and update and explanation. You stuck by and supported me through so much. My friends, and Sparkpeople as a whole... 


That's why I haven't been here. 

I don't need it. 

My lifestyle changed, and the worst thing I could do is obsess about it. 

I have kept off every pound I lost, and a few more, though I don't often bust out the scale anymore. Maybe once every other month or so, just to make sure I'm not delusional. 

I did finally pass my Fresh Meat derby assessments, though I had to go through ALL of fresh meat a second time to do it, and roller derby is the highlight of my life these days. I skate 2-3 nights a week, I have this huge circle of new friends, it builds physical activity into my schedule in a way that doesn't feel like "exercise," and, most importantly, it makes me SO HAPPY. 

See? Proof! 
The final verdict on derby name, by the way: Charlemangle 
It makes me feel tough and smart! 
It used to be that I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without getting huffing and puffing. Now I smash into my friends 3 nights a week on skates and covered in sweat and love every second of it (well, maybe not that exact second when I hit the floor real hard). 

I ended my relationship with my ex just shy of 10 years together. I didn't mention him much, but he was mentioned, so I feel like I should say something. 
It's a big risk, when you change your life, that you will change yourself right out of several friendships, and maybe even your relationship. I saw it happen with a lot of other successful sparkers. 
It makes me feel like I have to defend myself. He stayed with me all the years I was fat, and as soon as I start feeling empowered and good about myself I have the nerve to dump him? 
Short answer: yes. 
Hint at the long answer: weight loss was just one (admittedly major) part of really working hard to be the person I want to be. The more I changed, and the more he stayed the same, the less we had in common. He couldn't understand or appreciate me anymore. I did things that made my soul grow and grow and grow, and he kept working a soul-crushing job and just complaining about it. So, our souls changed in opposite directions, and we weren't soul-mates anymore. 
We're trying hard to still be good friends. 

So, you know what that means... 
I'm dating again for the first time since I was 18! 
It's crazy and mostly ridiculous and more fun than I expected. It's really teaching me a lot about myself! 
It's also taught me that most guys really don't care about a few extra pounds, not the fun ones anyway. Particularly if you carry them in the fun places!! They're really looking for confidence and independence and sense of humor and all the same stuff we are. 
So, single ladies, lighten up a little, m'kay?! 

Also, if you know of any single, large, attractive, preferably bearded, viking-esque men with a quick wit, full-time job, and appreciation for good whiskey and bad puns in the Monterey Bay area who like rainbow-haired girls that like unicorns and rollerskates way too much for a woman of nearly 30, help a girl out!!! 

Food is no longer a struggle!! 
If you get nothing else from me, any of my blogs, or this post, know this: 

I've been maintaining the same window of 10lb for nearly two years now, and it feels great. 
Would I like to be thinner? Sure! Not many of us wouldn't. 
Could I lose the last 25lb to get to my original goal of 100lb lost? Probably anytime I want!! 
BUT, I don't really care. I like pizza and beer and naps and ice cream and 25 extra pounds don't feel like that big of a deal 90% of the time. 
I mean, 10% of the time I'm pretty convinced I'm just as big as I was when I started, that I'm giant and fat and gross, that nothing looks good on me and never will.... Hey man, that's progress. I'm down to 10%!! And I'm confident that that percentage will continue to get smaller. 
I hope it never gets to zero... I'm pretty sure that makes me a sociopath... or at least a narcissist. 

So what's the secret? 
What's the take-away? 
What can those who have been struggling so hard who come across this and look for inspiration or guidance or ideas or at least commiseration find here that makes it worth reading? 

I wish I could answer that. 
The secret for me was common sense. You know what you should and should not be putting in your body and in what quantities. You know which choices make you happy, make you feel good about yourself as a person, and which don't. You know you need to exercise, and probably even have a pretty good idea of what kinds and how much of it make you feel good, without feeling like you're over or under-doing it. You know you need to sleep. You know that food doesn't really solve anything but actual hunger and lack of nutrients. 
I made a decision that I was done with disliking myself, so I tried to make each decision with that in mind. 
I still do! 
I'm just not focused on food anymore. 

I bought a Snickers bar (my favorite easy to find candy) from some kids raising money for their soccer team and I forgot that sucker in my purse for 3 weeks. 
I THREW AWAY left over pizza (my kryptonite) from my favorite establishment because IT SAT IN MY FRIDGE TOO LONG. 
A pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream lasted me a whole week, and 4 sittings. 
I went to derby practice 3 nights this week, and swam on 3 lunch breaks, and don't feel like I exercised once. 
AND NONE OF THIS WAS A STRUGGLE, even a little bit. 

I still don't drink enough water. 
I still drink too much diet soda and beer. 
I still eat too many carbs and sugar and cheese. 
I rarely sleep enough. 
I let my swims turn into power napping in the sun on nice days. 

I also got wolf-whistled TWICE today on my lunch; and I'm really not that thin. 
I got told that I am "ripped" by a strange man last week, as a compliment, and loved it. 

Most importantly: I'm so happy. 
I'm so comfortable with who I am, and even the things about myself that I'm still working toward changing. My weight, what I eat, and how much I exercise are really not a focus anymore. 

There's hope. 
Lives and lifestyles change!! 

And, because I know everyone loves a before and after: 

Oh, and I have rainbow hair and my dream job!! 
Life is good. 
No news is good news.

No comments:

Post a Comment