Oh Good, A Dead Bug.

Pro's and Con's to the outdoor pool at my gym:

Pro's:
Sunshine!

What's that smell? Only fresh air!

Pretty clouds and trees when I swim the backstroke

A lot of people DON'T like outdoor pools, so it's rarely crowded.

Going for the first time in 6 months and realizing my bathing suit (which I bought 2 sizes too small and I'd only worn a few times before) has become ginormous on me.

Sitting in the hot tub after and watching all the oaks and evergreens sway in the ocean breezes while I chillax.
Bringing my stress and irritability levels WAY down.

Con's:
Sunshine!

What's that smell? Only my hair!

Pretty trees drop all their needles leaves and goops in it.

Slightly frightening overly-friendly older women who spend way too much time sunbathing out there and lecture me for wearing sunscreen because of the chemicals.
Going for the first time in 6 months and realizing my bathing suit (which I bought 2 sizes too small and I'd only worn a few times before) has become ginormous on me.
(Waste of $$$$ )

Hey, what's that weird thing between my boobs when I get in the shower? Oh good, a dead bug. (I choose to believe it was already dead and floated in there rather than that I killed it with my awesome boobage)

Being all sweaty for an hour or so after I get out of the hot tub from getting so warm.

All in all I'm super glad I FINALLY put all my excuses aside and went for a SWIM!!!
My hair did not turn green
It's not dried out
I have some color from the sun but I'm pretty sure I'm not burned
It wasn't THAT big of a pain to do all the changing and showering and beautification ritual before going back to work. Actually, may hair looks better than it did after the first attempt this morning.
And I LOVE swimming!! It's my very favorite, and I need to stop letting the little bit of effort required get in between me and something I love to do!

I think I'll go again tomorrow!

It's Not Me, It's You.

Dearest Chipotle,

I love you, I really do, but I'm not IN love with you, if you know what I mean.

No, no, hush. Don't argue, I need to finish.



I need... a break.

It's not me, it's you.

Now, I can't thank you enough for all that you've done for me. From the first moment I moved to a town with one of your chains I couldn't get enough of you. A giant tortilla with all the fixins? How could I resist your charms?

Our love affair was intoxicating, your local fresh ingredients lured me back again and again and lulled me into a false sense of security.



How was I to know a burrito the way I like it was well over 1000 calories? It all seemed so good for me!

When Sparkpeople turned me on to checking your nutrition facts...

Now now, Chipotle, don't blame Sparkpeople. It's not their fault. I would have learned of your sneaky ways eventually.... Maybe not until California law forced you to put calories up on the big board where they can't be ignored, but I would have learned!

Quiet! I'm not finished!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, but I just really need to get this all out on the table... or the counter along the windows with the stools where I like to sit and people watch while I munch and read.

LikED. Past tense. Now.

No really, I mean it. I've done everything I can to try and work with you and keep you as a major part of my life. I visit you 2-4 times a week! But no matter how carefully I ordered, how willing I am to compromise, bowls instead of burritos, salads instead of bowls, you name it! I'm just not getting what I need from you.

Sure, I get a really delicious lunch made with real food, but why do you have to drown it in SO much sodium? Why are your friendly employees oh so willing to scoop in too much of that white rice (which is basically just like shoveling sugar straight into my body, by the way. I hear some Chipotle's have brown rice, why not mine?) or whatever I like onto my bowl when they see me? Why does your guacamole have to be so delicious?

I'm just powerless against it!!



I do appreciate all your support in a difficult transition period. It was really hard to give up all you can eat pizza buffet, sit down lunches at all the various local cafe's, diners, and burger joints. You were there for me with a much better option that was still delicious and easy during a really hard time.

But I've grown, I've learned, I'm moving on to bigger (well, probably smaller) and better things.

So that's it. It's final. NO MORE CHIPOTLE ON MY LUNCHES.

I may still see you once in a while with friends before a movie. In a pinch on the road for dinner.

I'm not saying never. I try to never say never.

But no more lunches. And not at ALL until at least September.

If I see you before then it would just be too hard, your pull too strong, your flavors too tempting!

I know, I hate goodbye's too.
Let's just say:

"See you 'round."

See you 'round, Chipotle!

"Dice" Danger in Nerd Town

Usually being a giant nerd is actually pretty helpful in trying to change my lifestyle.



I'm open minded to things like fitness video games and have the consoles to play them on.

I have a lot of spare time formerly dedicated to things like World of Warcraft that has been easily converted to gym time instead for my personal benefit.

I love to read and can read and exercise AT THE SAME TIME. (It requires almost as much skill as walking and chewing gum at the same time, but I manage it)

Working on a crochet project is an EXCELLENT way to occupy my hands while watching TV instead of snacking.

My love for gadgets easily translated into things like food tracking smart phone apps, heart rate monitor, swim-proof mp3 player, weighted boxing gloves complete with mesh sleeve for wii-mote, kitchen scales, and new recipes that give me the excuse to invest in small kitchen appliances and the gizmos to go with them (like crock pot liners! Which I suppose is more of an 'accessory' but I highly recommend them if you use your slow cooker and haven't tried them)...



But every once in a while it gives me unusual knowledge that ISN'T so helpful...

Like I know that a proper serving size of cheese is approximately the size of two dice... but the sneaky, snarky, nerdy part of my brain can't help but point out it doesn't specify which dice...

So the size of that pair of dodecahedrons (dodecahedra / dodecahedri? or is it like moose, and just dodecahedron?) that has been sitting in the dish with my eyeliner pencils because I keep forgetting to put them in the dice organizer (yes, we own a plastic container with dividers for all our different dice) can't help but come to mind as I pull the cheese out of the fridge.



See, further proof that I'm a giant nerd: I know to call a 20 sided dice a dodecahedron and even know how to spell it... I WAS a mathelete after all.

No joke, I have a calculus matheletes t-shirt from high school that says "No Brain, No Giain" on the front of it and says "Total Brain Work Out!" on the back.

I'm just cool like that.

I Don't Sweat In A Sexy Fashion...

I sweat a LOT at the gym. And it's never the normal, expected sweatiness. I don't just get a strip of sweat down my front and another down my back.

Of course not, that would be too easy.

My sweat configuration is basically a giant puddle that accumulates under my boobs and another in my crotch.



I mean, I guess it's to be expected. Boobs get sweaty and I have a lot of them.



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Not, like in number... I'm not a giant sweaty boob monster or anything...

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But the sweat is still unattractive... Especially last night! Turbo Kick and Zumba are the two classes I take each week that burn the most calories, and last night I did them back to back (because there's a new zumba class!) and was pretty sure I was going to die...

And now I know why! If SP's estimations are correct (and they were pretty close when I had a working HRM, I seriously need to just by a new one...) I burned 1762 calories at the gym last night...

No wonder I turned into the giant sweaty boob monster!

Crying in My Chipotle Bol

Isn't it amazing how bad days tend to somehow snowball into worse and worse days, but then good days do the opposite?

Thursday was a bad day for me. I was experiencing a lot of self-doubt. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by how SLOW this whole process is. The whole universe seemed determined to keep me fat and make me fatter.



I ended the evening crying into my chipotle bol (as if those aren't salty enough!) and watching bad reality tv and generally feeling powerless against my fatness (but still managed to stick to my food and exercise plans!!!!!!)



It carried into my whole weekend. I ate well, but was frustrated by having to do so. I drank a lot of water, but I did it with a stubborn attitude.... I read a lot and generally hid in my apartment instead of going out into the world...


(that's a remote control; it just happens to resemble a spatula)

But today seems to be snowballing in the opposite direction (maybe it's a snowcone when that happens? Sounds so much more cheerful...)

I weighed in at my normal time (instead of an odd time like on Thursday) and even the scale had to admit I'm doing well.

I'm wearing a RIBBED TANK TOP with a CROPPED short sleeve cardigan and feel cute in it. With ribs. Ya, you read that right. The most unforgiving of all fabric textures and I feel good in it!



I wear my hair up all the time now, in public, and not just at the gym. And I wear ALL of it up, not just the back with a clever bang configuration to frame my face. It was just a couple months ago that I would NEVER have worn all my hair back in public because I thought my face and neck were too fat and it was unflattering.

I went to lunch with dear bf today and another woman who goes to my gym classes pretty regularly, but has been a little inconsistent the last month or so came into the same place and right away said that I've lost "a lot of weight" (as in those exact words!!) and was saying that she and her cousins (who come to the same classes) all noticed!!!

AND there's a new zumba class at my gym starting tonight!! So starting tonight I'm planning on double gym nights on Thursdays AND Mondays (which works out great as a bracket to the weekend, since my weekend work out track record is less than stellar)

So today it's worth it. It's turned around and once again I'm reminded that it's all worth it. It's worth a few days of feeling crummy, it's worth the self-doubt, it's worth all the effort it takes to make the right decisions in the face of those things.

Feeling better and stronger and healthier and better ABOUT MYSELF because of the choices I'm making and the effort I put in are usually worth it in themselves, but days like today really help!

When Did Cookies Become My Kryptonite?

I've always appreciated a good cookie, particularly a gooey one fresh from the oven, but I always thought I could take or leave the store-bought kind.

Pizza has been my kryptonite for a long time now. Get me around a good, greasy, carby, sodium-filled delivery pizza and all my will power is totally drained away...

So I don't get myself around it. I avoid it at all costs. I've been around it twice in the last several months and both times I was actually (with much struggling) able to stop myself at the planned number of slices. GO ME!!



I thought for sure I'd gained a tolerance to my personal kryptonite, but apparently it just changed forms.

I apparently have next to no self control around cookies.

A week or two ago I survived the plague of cookies, where they just seemed to be EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. It was annoying. And delicious. But certainly not helpful in reaching my goals.

While the plague has lifted, it seems to have infected me permanently with a compromised cookie immunity.




Monday I ate FOUR great big cookies. 2 double chocolate, 1 oatmeal raisin, and one with fake m&m's in it. They were delicious! The only way I was able to stop myself from eating even more of them was to go around the party foisting them upon other people, and to shove the remaining cookies into dear bf's backpack, and that into a closet, and tell him to take the rest to work on Tuesday.



And sure enough I went looking for them yesterday afternoon, like a junky in need of a fix! Luckily he remembered to take them to work! And thankfully once I knew there weren't any cookies in the house I was fine.

I guess it makes perfect sense that with the level of physical activity I've been doing, and the intensity at which I do it (moved up to 7lb weights in my class last night!!! That's a shift from 2lb to 7lb over just 4 months or so!) that all those greasy carbs that used to call to me so intensely just sound pretty gross these days... I hope that doesn't mean I'm suddently developing a weakness for sugary treats to replace it!

All the 'Stuff' is Still There...

It's really hard to adjust to a life where I can't just push aside all of my 'stuff' with food anymore.

It's not woth the consequences to eat my feelings, boredom, etc., but that doesn't mean that all the 'stuff' I have to deal with now instead of shoving down along with half a pizza or a pint of designer ice cream is suddenly easier because I've made that choice.

I'm sure there are some people who didn't gain a good understanding of proper nutrition growing up, just need to learn and form better habits and, whalah! Health!!!



But I'm sure for the vast majority of us that's simply not the case. We may not have known exactly HOW bad some of what we were eating was (ahhhh, Chipotle burritos.....), but we knew it wasn't good for us. We know exactly what we ate that made us fat.

Well now I'm starting to feel more and more what made me fat. All the 'stuff' is still there, and I can't stuff it down my face anymore, so what do I do?

My new 'drug,' I suppose, for dealing with all of the 'stuff' is exercise. If I go more than a day or two without a really good workout I get down, I feel crummy, I want to cry and sleep and just generally feel sorry for myself. I can't run yet, even though I really want to, because of my knees (and I did try!! And I will try again!!) so I can't exactly think of it like running away from all of my 'stuff' (which is a really nice mental image and I think part of why I'm so determined to be able to run eventually)

But on Mondays I kick and punch it into a pittiful mound in Turbo Kick.

On Tuesdays I smash it down with tons of squats and push-ups and the lifting of heavy weights in RIPPED.

On Thursdays I dance out of it's clutches in Zumba and then stay for sculpt class to build up some extra defences against it for the weekend.

I TRY to kick and punch it some more on Fridays or Saturdays, but I do NOT have a very good track record of sticking to my plans to do my Turbo DVD....



And it feels good! All that exercise keeps me on a pretty even keel. The endorphines keep me happier. I sleep better. I feel proud of myself. I can feel myself getting stronger and fitter. I can feel those muscles forming under my layers of jiggle.

But it's not REALLY a replacement for my food addiction. If my boss walked in right this minute and said something to stress me out, the old me could open up the snack drawer and start 'dealing' with it right away by stuffing my face.

I can't exactly get up and go walk around the block everytime something upsets me. I'd like to do that MORE when I can, but it's not as 'easy' as reaching for a snack.

So where does all the stuff go in between work outs?
How do so many fit and happy and healthy people carry it with them all the time?
Is it just a tolerance level issue? Will I just get more and more used to it until it seems less overwhelming?
Do they all just have more healthy coping mechanisms besides things like exercise and blogging that I just haven't come up with yet for myself?

I just realized this blog sounds kind of Debbie Downer, but I'm not actually feeling that way at all. I'm proud of myself for having 'stuff' and recognizing it as such and wondering how to work around it in a healthier way. I'm looking forward to figureing it out and, in some ways, excited about the challenge.

So picture all this typed with a slightly pensive smile