Monday, August 29, 2011

Crafts, Snacks, and Fishies, Oh My!

So apparently my ovaries heard me complaining last week about how it'd had been a pretty long time since they'd evidenced themselves...

And now I'd really like to know why the heck I was complaining about it!?!?!?

But I had a pretty nice weekend!

I had game night with friends on Friday where there was pizza, and had JUST TWO SLICES!! A small slice of a meat and veggie take and bake pizza and a bigger slice of the thin crust deLite one, and a big ol' helping of fresh green salad to fill me up (without croutons!).

Saturday I hit up the craft store to get charms for the new keychain one of the DONE girls' threads gave me the idea for, with a charm for each 5lb lost. I just put it on a piece of chain that was part of an old keychain that broke for now, but am trying to think up something cooler to put them on.

Here it is so far!

The theme is "whatever charms I think are neat," in case you couldn't tell. I also picked up a charm of an old-timey ship stearing wheel thing (I think there's probably a name for those...) that I can add at 35lb lost (just 3 away!) and have it sitting out where I can see it in the living room as motivation!

And, because I was in a craft store, I also bought a whole bunch of craft supplies I don't need and signed up for a cake decorating class!!!

I already made a pretty necklace with some of them, and some beads I already had at home, last night:

The camera on my phone doesn't really do it justice, but I think it's pretty!!! The pendant is one of those natural stones that has teeny little crystal formations inside and a stripey pattern of greens and blues on the outside

Yesterday I cleaned A LOT around the aparment and did some light gardening. It was all pretty overdue after 3 or 4 weekends of being away and busy in a row! I even did a 50% water change on the fish tank and bought 2 new goldfishies to replace the ones we lost to parasites a few months ago (now that we are 100% sure the remaining fish is healthy and the water quality is good.... he earned the name 'Highlander' through a tank illness that got all our other gold fish for the second time in 5 years) Who knew goldfish could be so high maintenance?

I even felt brave enough to buy the BIG BAG of baked chips at the grocery store yesterday. I really wanted to try the cheddar and sour cream baked ruffles, but my stores don't sell individual sized bags... Yesterday I finally felt like I was ready to give it a try (mostly because I knew dear bf would be home alone with his video games all day today and likely eat them all up!) I tried 2 to see how they were when we got home, and put them away.
Later last night I put 2 servings in a bowl for me and dear bf to snack on. He was playing a video game and so eating them much more slowly than I was, and when I figured I'd probably eaten my half, I stopped!!!
It wasn't even hard!!!

I consider this a pretty awesome non-scale victory for me. Salty snacky foods are my weakness, and it wasn't a struggle to eat just enough, enjoy myself and the food, and stop!! Even thought it's TOM!!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Nearly Murdered by a Printing Error

So the most unfortunate thing happened today...

I work at a public access television station, and whenever somone submits content for airing there is a form they must fill out. The form is a legal document insuring that the producer takes all responsibility for the content, and releases the station from said responsibility (in case of slander, copy right infringement, etc.). I process anywhere from 2-30 of these forms in a day, and pile them neatly, face-down, in the outbox on the front corner of my desk for filing.

I was working right along this morning, paying only enough attention to do the job right, and trying to find a funny light to present what happened to me last night at the gym in. I'd processed about 25 or so forms today, and got up to take a restroom break. (Proof I've been drinking my water!)

Well when I came back into my office a few minutes later I noticed that the form I'd processed last had a rather large color image taking up most of the back of it. People often use scrap paper from their printers, as the form is only one sided, so I hadn't really paid much attention when placing it in my outbox.

However, upon re-entering my office I discovered that this image was, in fact, a HUGE print out of a screen shot of internet porn.

Rather GRAPHIC internet porn.

And had been sitting on my desk, in plain view from the hallway, for at least 10 minutes.

After my initial shock, I was pretty sure I was ACTUALLY going to die laughing.

Now I feel like I got an ab work out from all of the laughter, and what happened to me doesn't seem embarrassing at ALL compared to what this poor guy is going to have to face when he gets the e-mail, on the account he shares with his wife (the only e-mail I have for him), which explains that I will need a new form as the "rather large, offensive pornographic images on the back of the one submitted make it unsuitable for our records."

Also that he'll need to retrieve the previous one from my boss's office.

But, because I did post about it in my feed and I'm sure you're curious what DID happen last night, though it seems pretty boring now, I'll explain...

After I swim I LOVE sitting in the hot tub, it's outdoors, I'm all tired, and it's a pretty social little scene in there in the evenings.

There's this one older eastern european gentlemen who pretty much can't shut up about how great he is, and talks constantly about himself.

Mostly I find it pretty entertaining.

Well last night, in a very FULL hot tub, he was talking about all the things he 'beats' younger men at. Weight lifting, arm wrestling, ping pong.

"Ping pong?" I asked, sure that was a joke.

"Yes, ping pong."

"Oh, I'm terrible at ping pong."

"That's because you're a large plus size girl and can't move around the table quickly enough."


A few people scramble out of the hot tub to begin their swims

"Actually, it's because I have terrible hand-eye coordination, but thanks for that."

"No really, you have to really be able to get down and move around the table quickly for ping pong."

Obviously, the man was totally oblivious to the fact that what he said was offensive. There was a big group of people in there, so I didn't want to add to my embarrassment by arguing with the stupid guy or pointing out that it was rude of him to say.

Especially since at a size 14 I am NOT PLUS SIZE, thank you very much.

So I sat in the hot tub for a few more minutes pretending to be okay, and then left.

I made it all the way through going back to the locker room, changing, and then out to my car before I cried.

And of course of all of the nights to forget a sweatshirt to wear over my tank top and sweatpants I go home in it had to be last night, so I felt even fatter and more exposed.

It was pretty miserable. Not so much that the guy said it, but that it got to me so much!

But doesn't all that just seem minor compared to the weekend that producer has got to be in for when his wife sees that e-mail about the porn?
Not to mention the fact that he has to interact with me on a regular basis knowing I saw it and had to write him the e-mail in the first place...

Really puts it all into perspective....

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Your Friendly Neighborhood Psychopath.

I'm realizing this morning that I'm getting, perhaps, just a little TOO excited about the changes in my body.

There was a time, not very long ago at all, when my wardrobe pretty much consisted of black, or white, or black and white, sometimes with gray.

But I LOVE color, and not just colors, but BRIGHT colors and SATURATED colors and JEWEL TONES and NEON and you name it.

Love it.

Love. It.

So how sad that I felt I had to hide in neutrals!! I would pay my love for colors just the slightest bit of tribute by owning about 20 of the same simple camisole in different colors and wearing them underneath my black, or white, or black and white, sometimes with gray, for just a hint of color above and or below my shirt that day.

And accessories.

Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster the accessories...
(I have a lot. No really, like a LOT, like even you, who think you have a lot of them, you would go "holy cow that's a lot of accessories," even you who just read that and thought "well that's what you think," really, I promise, it's a lot. In every room of the house but the kitchen. A LOT of accessories. Just stop arguing and take my word for it.)

(a lot more than that! They're hard to draw...)

So, clever as you are, I'm sure you've gathered by now that color has worked its way back into my wardrobe.
(You're so smart.)

Lots of pretty colors!!!

Well the problem is, I pretty much just make a frownie face at the thought of wearing much in the way of black or gray these days. Like a pouty child face, and think "no! I wear what I want! I wear bright colors!! I wear ALL OF THE BRIGHT COLORS AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!"

So today I somehow thought wearing a bright red lace-trim camisole, with a purple cowl neck tank, and then a printed sweater with purple and pink on it was an awesome plan. And that all of that would be okay because "the sweater ties it all together" and I would just wear white pants to 'make up for' all the color on top.

Oh, but that's not where it stops, you see, I like matching. Like, 'matchy matchy' matching, as all of the fashion make over shows that let me know better would tell me. I KNOW I'm not supposed to wear this outfit with bright red earings, a bright red necklace, and a bright red (awesome, if I might add) antique bracelet.... But I WILL DO WHAT I WANT AND I LIKE RED!!

So I'm wearing them all.

And purple shoes.

For whatever reason it's the purple shoes that I feel like put me over the line from 'apparently really likes red and purple' into 'looks like your friendly neighborhood psychopath.'

I considered changing.

Or at least changing the shoes and accessories.

But then I didn't.

Because red and purple are my favorite!!!

As I was working on my 'artistic representations' a guy walked into my office and said "Wow, look at all those colors on you today.... You look like a candy store!"


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Make These Spider Webs Look GOOOOOOD

I tried on some jeans in the next size down on Sunday, AND THEY ALL FIT!!!!

I didn't try on 5 pairs of size 14 pants and buy the one that fit, I tried on 5 pairs, which all fit, and bought the 2 pair I liked best (when I discovered they were all 50% off at the Gap outlet!)

That goal of being in my size 12 gap cords by Christmas is feeling PRETTY DARN realistic right about now!!!!

So, super excited that I can wear size 14 now.
Kind of bummed because I can only buy them online or in the next county, about 30 minutes away, because I absolutely have to buy them in a long now, even for wearing flats.

Oh well! Hopefully I wont be wearing this size for very long, and those 2 pair and the smaller pairs of my 16's will tide me over just fine through the end of the year!


I did pretty great this weekend, all in all. We went up to the bay area to help my mother outlaw move out of dear bf's childhood home. Any home that's been lived in 30 years or more is a LOT of work to move out of and clean, and I'm really glad we were able to be there to help, but boy was it a lot of work!!!

We got in late-ish on Friday night, so the only real option for dinner was ordering pizza....
From Round Table....
My old favorite / nemesis!!

But sparkies, you'll be so proud!!! When they called me on my new fancy bluetooth in the car to tell me the plan, I just asked that they please order me a salad to go with it. Luckily dear mother outlaw has done WW in the past, and so was totally understanding and supportive, and managed to get us the LAST salad of the day!!

I had 2 small slices, as planned, and a big helping of salad WITH WATER TO DRINK.

(self high-five)

Saturday and Sunday were the real 'moving' days, though we were doing a lot more cleaning than any heavy moving. I stayed TOTALLY strong on my nutrition and ate consciously and carefully, plus burned a TON of calories I'm sure!! I tracked it in the sp fitness tracker as 'heavy cleaning' since it was more of that than moving, and boy does it add up!!

I was even good on the way home! Dear mother outlaw gave us money to stop for dinner on the drive home, and almost right away I cam up with a genius plan. We stopped at the Fresh Choice in the outlets close to home (about 30 minutes from home) where we could eat really healthy, and yummy, and I knew I could try on some jeans at that Gap!

It was like a double reward!!! I got to eat a salad as big as my head with some yummy sides, feel great about my choices, AND discover I'm the next size down while in a store I could actually afford to buy them in!!

I took yesterday off for 'cleaning sickness' but was still very concious of my eating, made sure to drink WAY more water than I'm typically in the habit of when at home, and still went to my turbo class last night!!!

I skipped the zumba I usually do after, and am dealing with a little sliver of guilt over it... but after all that work on Saturdy and Sunday I KNOW 2 hours of cardio last night would have been TOO MUCH!!

Tonight we're supposed to go to one of my favorite restaurans for my SIL's b-day, but I'm not worried about the food. I plan to get steak fajitas and skip the rice/beans and maybe even the tortillas.

I'm worried about RIPPED!! It's my very favorite class of the week, but ends at the exact time SIL's reservations start... I'm thinking I'll go and just leave 10-15 minutes early, do a quick rinse, and only be 15 minutes late to dinner. My family is super supportive of all my hard work, and SIL has had some major weight loss with WW in the past, so I don't think it'll cause any hurt feelings....

Suck It Blobby McFlabface!

Even though I KNOW all of my clothes are fitting better, and my new clothes are smaller, that stupid voice in the back of my mind,( AKA Blobby McFlabface the negative talking chubberchaun who hides in my rolls and tries to expand his flab mansion) always comes up with ways to try and convince me I don't really look different.

You didn't get smaller than those pants, they stretched out.

Sure, that sweater is an L and buttons all the way, unlike the XXL in the same brand and style you bought a year ago (which obviously is only big on you now because it's old), but it's not actually smaller, they just changed their sizing.

Ya, you pulled all of the 14 jeans out of your drawer and found out they all fit now, but when you bought them you probably tried on 15 different pairs of 14's and then bought the biggest ones, and then stretched them out. You can't really wear a 14.

So what if you're wearing all of your bras on the smallest set of hooks now! Ya, I know that they were so tight on you in January that you used to unhook them after you got dressed and just let your camisole hold them in place because they hurt too bad to leave closed, but do you know how much they stretched since then? That one new bra you bought in the same size last week is a fluke, it was mislabeled, how else would it end up on the clearance rack in a nice brand and style?

You're a big fat fatty fat fat and you always will be and absolutely none of this immense effort you're putting in to change yourself will ever change that.

Stupid Blobby McFlabface!!!!
He can say whatever the hell he wants, I know he's wrong.

I know my clothes fit better.
I know people aren't liying when they say they can tell I've lost weight.
I know I'm two sizes smaller (4 if you count from 20 to 16 including odd numbers).
I know I'm only 1/5th of a pound from 30lbs lost and that there's no plausible way that that's just 'water weight' or some other stupid thing that pops in my head to undermine my efforts.
I know I am SO MUCH STRONGER than I was 6 months ago.
I know I sleep better.
I know I'm no longer dehydrated.
I know sometimes it's really hard to feel my feelings instead of eating them, and I also know it's better and I can get through it.

I KNOW that somehow, in some way I can't explain, this time is different. That scale is going to keep moving. I'm going to keep getting smaller than my clothes. I'm going to keep getting stronger and pushing myself harder and being able to do more and lift heavier and play longer. As frustrating as it is sometimes, in the grand scheme of things I'm GLAD it's going slow. I want as little excess skin as possible. I want to have time to slowly approach those numbers that put up big mental road blocks in my head instead of finding myself suddenly upon them.

I want to wear these pants properly by Christmas!

More importantly, I know I'm going to wear them soon, even if it takes a little longer than I'd like. And then I'll officially only have ONE smaller pair of my jeans in my 'someday they'll fit again' drawer.

And then I'll get to wear those!

And then I'll get to buy new pants in even smaller sizes!

And nothing is going to stop me!

So you can suck it Blobby McFlabface!

*edited for a typo.... And can I just give myself a shout out and a wee pat on the back for how awesome and shapely my butt and legs look in those pictures?!?! I had no idea! Now to just get the gut to catch up....

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Scale Induced Panic

So I have decided to for sure NOT set a weight loss goal of getting to ONEderland by Thanksgiving.

Or any scale-related weight loss goal EVER again.

Even just THINKING about MAYBE that being a possibility had me totally panicking this weekend.

Not like a surface, run around like a chicken with my head cut off, rock the boat type panic... One of those nasty, deep-down where you can't quite figure out what's going on type panics that just sort of undermined all of my positive thinking....

I was still thinking positively, but would do things like impulsively grab a whole hand full of mini chocolate peanut butter cups when they got passed around the game night table on Friday instead of 3-4 of them like I usually do... And then promptly scarfing them...

And ordering a Jamba Juice because I was there and they're delicious, even though I wasn't hungry.

And then buying a cookie in the mall because I'm "never at that mall anymore" and like that cookie store.

I didn't put it all together until last night, but I'm pretty sure the pressure of that timeline to ONEderland, whether a goal or a possibility, or WHATEVER, was just too much for me.

The scale is not my friend.

Although, to my credit, I feel like I did pretty awesome nutritionally at Outside Lands on Saturday. There was a farm stand!!! I got to eat YELLOW watermelon, and it was delicious. I did have 4 beers... but it was a special occasion! And the music was AMAZING, the Black Keys are even better live (much to my pleasant surprise) and I had a really great day with dear BF and my oldest brother where everything just seemed to go right - free parking near the park, great spot near the stage, caught all the bands I wanted to, was able to buy a cute festival t-shirt without an 'X' on the tag, didn't get sunburned, found healthy food, no traffic... Just great!

I walked through Choco-Lands because it was cute but did NOT buy the funnel cake topped with peanut butter, chocolate, chocolate covered bacon, and I forget what else that sounded like possibly the best festival food of all time.

Unfortunately the only option for dinner when driving home at 11:30 at night is fast food, but even there I think I did well. In CA they have to put calories up on the big board, so I got a grilled chicken sandwich and only ate a few of my curly fries, realized they were kinda grossing me out, and gave the rest to the boys.

So no scale goals for me!!!

I have, however, set a new goal that I find much more my style! I have the CUTEST corduroy flare pants that I bought just when I started gaining back all the weight I lost before. There are 3 pair (yay clearance!!) and all 3 are a size 12.

My goal is to be able to wear one of those pairs of cords by Christmas! That's 2 pant sizes down from where I am now in 4 months, so it will take a lot of work, but I really think I can do it!!

A weight loss "maybe if the universe is on my side"?

So I've started, then deleted, then restarted this blog a few times today, and now I'm just going to go for it.

As most of you know, while I like when the scale says nice things to me, I don't use it as my main measurement of success, and I don't really set weight loss goals that are scale related.

I don't have an ultimate goal weight, or even an ultimate goal weight neighborhood! I honestly have no idea what's going to feel right, and just don't want to play that numbers head game with myself.

I do, however, often update the goal on my start page to make sure I have an accurate calorie range, even though I rarely make them. I usually set them 1-2 months out for whatever the lowest weight SP will let me put in, and use those ranges. (And of course hope I can make it)

Well today I got curious.

For whatever reason, ONEderland seems so much more tangible at 229 than it did at 231. I can't explain it, but it feels so CLOSE all of a sudden!

And I'm getting really excited about it! The last time I lost a lot of weight with SP I never made it out of the 190's. In fact, I never even spent much time there! I really believe that this time I'm going to blow right past the 190's and keep on going, even if that's a year off, it's going to happen, and it's going to be awesome.

So I put in a goal weight of 199, and kept trying different dates until I found one that SP finds healthy and reasonable.... And it's WAY sooner than I would have thought.

According to SP, if I keep up my current level of exercise and eat in their ranges, I can quite safely reach 199 by Thanksgiving, November 24.

So I WANT to set a goal of doing that. The scale has finally been moving consistently lately, making me think I've finally gotten over that strength training 'hump' where all the muscle building has finally reached a place where my metabolism is working to maintain it and things aren't just more or less evening out anymore....

But I DONT WANT to psych myself out, get over focused on it, let the scale start defining the success of a goal, and then get bummed out if it ends up being unrealistic for me...

Can I set a weight loss hope?
A weight loss "maybe if the universe is on my side"?
A weight loss possiblity?

Buff Ankles

Those of you that have been my buddies here on SP for a long time may remember that at this time last year I was SERIOUSLY struggling.

Most of last year I was pretty wishy washy.
"Good" for 2 or 3 days "bad" for 2 or 3 days.
"Good" for every meal but lunch, where I'd eat enough pizza at the buffet for 5 or 6 NFL linebackers.

Basically a whole lot of months of "today is the day" in the morning and "tomorrow is the day" in the afternoons....

We've all been there, I'm sure.

Well right about this time last year I had a day or two of really positive, motivated attitude. I felt so ready to change for the better and ventured off to Whole Foods for my first or second night of super healthy dinner in months.

As I backed out of my parking space a mean, nasty lady tried to squeeze behind my car and grazed my bumper. Because there were no cameras and the damage was to the back of my car and the side of her car, there was no way to prove that it was her who hit me and not the other way around. It was my first ever accident and happened in my first ever brand new car (well, 3 year old at that point, but still brand new to me!).

So I went into about a month long emotional 'poor me' shame and junk food spiral.

Super lame.

I probably could have gotten my bumper repainted for the money I spent on pizza and chinese food!! Instead it just still has what I call "character" to this day.

About a month later, around Labor Day, I finally decided to snap out of it, reminded my self that it's just a car, and an awfully lame excuse to keep getting fatter, and again decided to do better and change and lose weight.

Again I rushed to the grocery store after work to stock up on better foods. Not Whole Foods this time, I mean, that's just tempting fate, right?

Well I didn't fare any better at Safeway. I was wearing some platform wedge dress sandals that day, and slipped on a baby carrot that was on the ground. I rolled my ankle and hurt it badly. I had to sit on the string cheeses in the cheese isle to stop feeling dizzy and nauseous and everything!

I was in tons of pain, had to be on crutches, and just generally feeling sorry for myself.

If the universe didn't want me to get in shape and lose weight, clearly it wasn't meant to be, right?


On October 2 I threw my best friend a baby shower, and when she posted a picture of me on facebook it literally took my breath away. I was in SHOCK that that was really me!

I couldn't even muster up any of those 'it's a bad angle' or 'i'm just not photogenic' excuses we all get so good at when we don't want to admit we're fat.

I was FAT in all capitals fat.

It's the before picture of me in my gallery, actually.

It took me until mid February to put work stress aside and 100% commit to exercising and eating better, but I did lose 5lb between October and February...

Since mid February I have been a work out MACHINE.
I have only had pizza delivered ONCE and it was a veggie pizza (I used to order pizza at least twice a week)
I have lost an additional 23lb
I have lost 5 inches each from my ribs, waist, and spare tire
I have lost 4 inches from my hips
I have lost 2 inches from my neck
I have lost one inch from each bicep and thigh
I have learned to actually LIKE myself
My focus has shifted from weight and size to fitness
I have gone from struggling with 2lb weights to kicking ass with 8lb weights
I can do push ups
I don't have to stop for breaks during any of my fitness classes

And, I discovered today, even my ankles have gotten buff!!!
I am wearing platform dress sandals much like the ones I hurt myself in today. On my lunch I was looking for my keys while putting them on, and again rolled the same ankle to the outside.
I fell right on my butt, screamed, and sat there in complete terror.
It's amazing how fast our brains can work sometimes. Between my ankle moving and my butt hitting the ground I just KNEW I was going to be seriously hurt again, that I wasn't going to be able to use the gym like I want to, that I'd be on crutches for the concert I've been looking forward to for MONTHS this Saturday, that I'd gain all the weight back and then some and never get back to this positive place again.

But then I took a deep breath
And then I moved my foot around
And then I stood up
And took a few steps


Once I got over my panic, I realized it didn't even hurt when it happened, even though it rolled just as far as when I hurt myself really badly.

I really believe that I'm okay because I've been working out so diligently and so hard, and that I'm going to be able to keep working out that way with no injuries because I HAVE been working out that way.

It really is the benefits we don't even think about that are the best!

Like buff ankles!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Dubious Unitard

Isn't it amazing how the world just seems brighter in smaller clothes?

I washed the 2 pair of mini-goal jeans that I wore last week for the first time last night.

It may sound silly, but this was a big deal for me!! I'd only worn each pair once, and was terrified that they'd shrink in the wash and I wouldn't be able to wear them again for a while.

And for the record, I dried them ALL THE WAY in the dryer, too.

Well this morning I was brave.

When I pulled them from the shelf I was really dubious.
I'm pretty sure they got the same expression I would currently give a unitard that thought I would be wearing it in public...

They shrunk. For sure they shrunk. They're jeans and jeans always shrink the first time you wash them (not stretchy jeans mind you, I am an adult, and no longer buy jeans with a spandex count in them, we're talking 100% cotton).

But I put them on anyway...

And pulled them all the way up...

And buttoned the button without doing any of that bend way up and forward and suck in the gut stuff.

And zipped the zipper without the slightest bit of struggle or breaking a nail (which I've, sadly, done many times forcing myself into pants that were too small)

They still fit!!! And they still fit well!!! No muffin top or anything!!!

I guess it's a little silly to be so ecstatic that a pair of jeans I just wore last week still fits me this week, but I don't care.

I'm a big fan of silliness. (In case you hadn't noticed...)

I also just HAD to peek at the scale this morning to make sure yesterday wasn't a fluke, still under 230!!! 229.4, but I'll take it! I'm not a big fan of the scale in general, but every once in a while it redeems itself with some good news...

Better shove it back to the back of the bathroom cupboard while I'm ahead...

Monday, August 8, 2011

ADVENTURE! (or How to TRULY Maximize Time in the Workplace)

I wanted to write a blog today, but then I couldn't think of anything interesting to write about.

So then I checked facebook 9,463 times and then clicked back to the blinking cursor in my 'add a blog entry' page here.

When not checking facebook or staring at a blinking cursor, I was looking at funny things on the intertubes and endeavoring to look especially busy at work.

How to look busy at work while killing time and/or looking at funny, useless pages on the interwebs:

1) Master the art of the 'bored scowl' even while internally snickering at lolcats

2) Type furiously with your best 'concentration' head angles anytime you hear someone about to walk past your door in the hallway

3) At the approach of what you know to be a particularly garrulous co-worker or, in my case, public access producer, snatch up the phone as quickly as possible, orient your body so that the handset and your profile can be seen, and you can easily 'take notes' anytime said person tries to step into your field of vision to get noticed. In the case of particularly stubborn persons, use a lot of 'uh-huh's" and "I see," etc. to really sound busy. A "could you repeat that" doesn't hurt either.

4)Place chin in non-mousing hand with corresponding elbow on desktop, lean far in and slightly to that side. Look listless and unappreciated.

5)Make hot tea or iced tea (depending on mood and ambient temperatures) every few minutes for an excuse to go stand around in the kitchen and therefore "break up the day"

6)Practice origami on toilet paper squares to better utilize restroom visits.

(I'm not that good, I found that, browsing the intertubes.... do we sense a theme?)

7) Make sure to enter things into the calendar on your phone, or appear to do so, at staff meetings whenever possible so that you can play hours of stupid phone games at your desk without fear or shame.

(Side note, it's not so much the birds that are angry as me that gets angry at them for not "doing right". Swearing about mustachiod pigs loudly and angrily WILL break your cover, so why not write it furiously in a fake e-mail to look busy for that person walking by?)

You see what happens when you just start 'doing' when planning doesnt' seem to be getting you anywhere? ADVENTURE!!

I feel like we just went on one, don't you?

And now, how neat! I can actually relate it back to successfully changing my life. People have asked me a lot how I get motivated, how I stay motivated, where my positive attitude comes from, how I can put so much time in at the gym, etc.

Unfortunately, my answer doesn't sound very interesting... When in doubt, just DO it. Start drinking water, get off your (hopefully shrinking) butt and go do the nearest thing that's not sitting and eating. I don't care if you don't know what you're going to do when you get off of said butt, start looking for something that looks interesting, and failing that do whatever seems least miserable, and you'll probably find yourself liking it!

AND, I saw a number under 230lb for the first time since 2009 on the scale this morning!!! That's after a BBQ and game night with friends on Friday
Ballgame with beers and a whole day with my dad and oldest brother on Saturday
Lunch with friends and a BBQ at other brother's house last night (including a chocolate brownie with mint chips- my 4 year old niece's very first baking project)

Life is good, and I can feel good being a part of it, eat good, drink water, stop obsessing, and see positive results.

If that's not lifestyle change, I don't know what is!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Hey, Look At That Weird Emotion Over There.

I'm having trouble giving myself permission to live in the real world this week!

I've been slowly adding more and more exercise time into my schedule, and I think I may be overtraining or at least holding myself to an unrealistic standard...

I found out over the last couple weeks with my new HRM that instead of the 3000 calories/ week that I've been estimating I burn, I actually burn over 8000 calories per week...

I've been working out for 2 hours on Mondays and Thursdays, burning over 2500 calories.
After seeing that number on my HRM a couple weeks in a row a 'measly' 1552 after RIPPED on Tuesday seemed disappointing, so I swam, HARD, for an additional 40 minutes. I wanted to swim for a full hour, but got some pretty serious cramps in my calves, so I stopped and chillaxed in the hot tub instead.

But I felt guilty all night. I know that's ridiculous, and I knew it was ridiculous at the time, but the feelings just wouldn't go away.

I could have used a pool buoy and done just arms.

I could have pushed through it (which I know isn't accurate, I did another 100m before I admitted to myself they weren't going to go away).

So yesterday I planned to swim after my regular class again, especially since the wednesday class is a sculpting class rather than a cardio class, so I was concerned with getting my 'burn'. Plus, I LOVE swimming and have enjoyed getting back in the pool more.

Well then I got an unexpected e-mail! I went into Best Buy on Sunday and bought a new stereo for my car, and an ipod touch to go with it (I'm luvlilulu on words with friends and it's my new favorite thing if anyone wants to play with me!!) because I'll be driving 2 hours or so to San Francisco and back 4 different times in the next 2 weeks, and have been wanting one for a while, so it seemed like good timing.

Unfortunately, they told me the 'harness' part for my car wouldn't be in until the 9th, so I wouldn't have it in time for this weekend. Well it came in yesterday!!! So I called up the car installation guy and explained I'm driving to SF and back both days this weekend, and is there ANY way he could squeeze me in. He said that today and tomorrow are super busy, but he could squeeze me in if I could be there in 15 minutes.

I could be there in 15 minutes no problem, but that meant that I wouldn't be at the gym in 30. I immediately felt super guilty and almost decided to wait until next week so I could go to the gym...

That's just silly! Missing one day of working out because I actually HAVE an excuse, and a good one I think, is totally acceptable!

I did go get my new stereo put in, and the guy was really nice and helpful and even set up the bluetooth on my phone for me and walked me through how to use all the functions and pop off the faceplate to hide it so people wont want to steal my fancy new stereo and everything.

And I am in SHOCK at how much better it sounds. I really wasn't expecting a difference in sound quality, because I didn't get new speakers, just the console part so I could control an ipod and have bluetooth for my phone, but I went ahead and got the nicest one in my price range that did that (and it was still about half as expensive as I'd budgeted for!). It claimed to do all this fancy stuff filling in the low end and high end of compressed audio tracks, but I didnt' think I'd notice a difference since I just have my factory speakers....

The lowest end of a bass track that I'd NEVER HEARD BEFORE in a song I've listened to a million times actually stressed me out this morning until I realized what it was on the drive in. I thought there was something wrong with my car!

But I still feel guilty about missing the gym. I woke up this morning berating myself that I should have swam after I got my car back, but that would have meant getting in the pool at 7, and having dinner who knows how late.

And I still can't quite shake it. I know that I HAD an excuse, I didn't make one, or give in to a lame one. There was a good reason not to go to the gym last night.

So why do I feel like such a slacker?

All the guilt actually had me tempted to have seconds and overeat at dinner for the first time in I can't even REMEMBER how long (not to worry, I didn't, but even having those feelings come back is upsetting)

I just re-read this blog and realized it sounds a bit debby downer, but I'm not actually bummed out AT ALL. It's not so much "oh wa, I have feelings, I'm so guilty, look at my necessary shame puddle," it's more like "hey, look at that weird emotion over there? Where would something like that come from? Mars you think?" Like if I pointed out one of those hideous blouses on the clearance rack that couldn't possibly look good on ANYONE and you wonder what the hell the designer was thinking. (I like to try those on when shopping with friends and pretend to LOVE it, to test how good a shopping partner they are... it's hilarious, feel free to steal the strategy).

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

...But Then My Sink Exploded

It has been a crazy week already and it's only Wednesday morning!

First the good:
I am wearing a pair of jeans I bought months and months ago (probably almost a year ago, actually) that fit for the very first time. They are still a size 16, and still from the GAP, where I buy all my pants, but something went terribly wrong that day. I went in on my lunch and browsed the clearance rack, I found 2 cute pair of 16 jeans (which I was shoving myself into and holding closed with hair ties because 16 is the biggest size they carry in store, but was really a size 20 and refusing to admit it) and both were less than $10!! Gap jeans are the only ones I like and are normally 60 or more full price, so I snatched them up without even trying them on.

I couldn't even come CLOSE to wearing them. Even my crafty hair tie trick wasn't going to make it happen.

I pulled this pair out and tried them again in October, hoping to be able to wear them to my cousin's wedding (they're white and look like dress pants) but still was no where close to fitting in them.

I pulled them out again a month or two ago when I built a new shelf for my closet and went through all the clothes in there. I could finally pull them up all the way but even with my hair tie trick couldn't wear them, so back in the drawer they went.

I made a goal back in February or March to be able to wear one of the 2 pair (not the white ones!) to a baseball game I bought tickets to for me and my dad this coming Saturday. I had measured on Saturday and while I was initially disappointed with the results, down is down, so I decided to try one pair yesterday...

AND THEY FIT!!! And really fit, not just fit 'good enough' they fit and looked awesome and made me feel cute all day.

So this morning I tried the white ones (which are smaller)....



THEY FIT!!! And again, really fit. They don't look painted on or give me a giant muffin top or gather at the backs of my knees from being too tight, none of that. THEY REALLY FIT!!!

And I've needed to feel cute the last couple of days, let me tell ya!

Now for the bad:

Yesterday I was coming around a corner in the hall at work and who do I see but dear BF... While a surprise visit from dear BF is always welcome, I could tell right away this wasn't a fun one.

He let me know that while he was making breakfast he heard the garbage disposal in the condo adjoining ours making terrible noises, and then both sides of our sink backed up with all kinds of nasty water and chunks of food that clearly weren't ours.

He has a stupid crappy job, and so can't get any time even to deal with something like this, and of course had NO clue where to find our landlord's phone number and so had rushed over to let me know I had to deal with it.

Oh joy! In my cute "new" jeans no less!

The sink was totally disgusting and filled with all kinds of gross nasty food that isn't ANYTHING we've put in the garbage disposal recently. Luckily the landlord came right over and checked it out and worked it out with the guy next door.

He hired a plumber and told me the plumber would be there between 2 and 4. I hung out until 4:15 waiting for him and then got mad and went back to work, leaving a note on my door with my cell number.

The neighbor never called, but when I got home he'd written on my note that everything was fine and the sink should be fixed.

So I started running the water and things looked promising, until I heard a noise from under the sink...

I looked down and realized the fronts of the cupboard doors were covered in black gross stuff, as was the mat in front of the sink....

When I opened the cupboard I realized my sink wasn't fixed, it was more broken than before! The pipe under there has a fist sized hole in it, and the water I was running just ran straight into the bucket I'd put there earlier.

When I turned on all the lights to get a good picture to send to my landlord, I realized the black stuff was ALL over both the mats in my kitchen.... but not on the linoleum in between.

And the edges of the mats were all streaky like someone had wiped up the floor around them.

And there was one circle of black stuff like someone had had a bucket sitting there.

I assumed the landlord had come in, no big deal.

And the Scary:

But when I called to ask what we'd be doing next she told me not only did she not come in, she wasn't even sure she has an extra key to GET in.

Which means the creepy neighbor has a key to my apartment, and let himself in.

So all my plans for cooking a healthy dinner of moroccan eggplant went out the window. My landlord asked me to leave the kitchen the way it is if I could stand it so she could take pictures and figure out how she's going to deal with the situation.

I'm going to ask her to change the locks! I'll do it at my own expense if I have to, but there's no way I'm leaving them the same when I know the creepy neighbor has a key!

So I was going to cook a healthy dinner, with leftovers for lunch, but then my sink exploded. I feel like I have a pretty good excuse to eat out!

But (and here's the long awaited point if you've stuck with it this far) NOT to eat poorly.

We went to the grocer store and picked up fixins to make ourselves sandwiches on whole wheat rolls with turkey, turkey bacon, lettuce, avocado, lowfat provolone cheese, and just the teeniest squirt of low fat ranch.

They were super tasty, healthy, acceptable on the sodium, and no use of the kitchen required!

So bonus points to me for making getting to the gym on a stressful day a priority
Extra bonus points for getting in the pool after my RIPPED class because I was still feeling frustrated and emotional about the day and getting to feel all that just wash away in the pool.
Additional double bonus points for not just collapsing into a fluster pile and ordering a pizza or splurging at a restaurant when I got home to discover a super disgusting sewage mess in my kitchen and the news that a creepy old man mysteriously has a key to my apartment and let himself in at will.

Now to feel comfortable enough in there to sleep through the night again!