Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I'm not Depressed, I'm ANGRY!!!

Sorry it's been a while since I checked in, there's been a whole lot of LIFE over the last few days, and no time for blogging!!

The one thing that I really hate in my work out classes at the gym happened on Thursday. There weren't very many people in the class and so there was no one to hide behind so as not to see myself in the mirror.

There was just no avoiding my reflection.

I HATED it. Especially in work out clothes with my face all sweaty and everything jiggling about and generally in the way of some of the ab moves. It's just not fun.

At first I got totally depressed and overwhelmed. How was I EVER going to get to a place where I wasn't three times bigger than everyone else in my classes when it's taken me SO LONG to lose just 20 of the 120lb I want to lose. And that's the first 20, when I'm at my biggest, and it should technically go the fastest...

Needless to say I was not in a good headspace when I left the gym.

But something happend on the drive home, I stopped feeling sad and defeated and didn't want to cry and take pity on myself anymore. I got MAD. Like really mad.

F@%K all this fat!!
Screw it and the way it controls my life and my mood and my wardrobe and activities and self-estime and seemingly everything else.
I'm not letting it be in control anymore.
I get to be the boss.
I'm gonna kill it!! Die fat die!!!!

So I anger cleaned for a bit when I got home because I was too upset to sit still and, thankfully, binging when I'm upset doesn't really hold any charm anymore. Honestly it didn't even occur to me to binge. I was upset and needed a way to vent all my anger and frustration so my kitchen got really clean... My microwave is SPARKLING and no longer smells like a burnt bag of 100 calorie popcorn, by the way.

Normally I tell my friends that anger is a wasted emotion and to let it go, but this time I think I'm gonna go ahead and hold on to it. At least for a little while

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